Falling Apart or Falling in Place?

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“Someone I once loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that too, was a gift.”

-Mary Oliver

I’ve been saving this quote now for many months. I was waiting for the right moment and words to hit me in a moment of inspiration. Today I have the words I want to share with you…

When my last relationship fell apart it was like my life was suddenly thrown into turmoil. Nothing made sense. I was madly in love! For most of my adult life I believed that love was all you needed to make it through the toughest times. I was terribly wrong. Love is a great thing to have in a relationship but it’s not the only thing you need, as I would come to find out.

For months afterward I suffered!

I was disillusioned. For a long time I thought that something was wrong with me. I spent my days and nights in my room, crying a lot of the time. Who ever it was that said “it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all,” is full of shit. Heartbreak and the heartache that comes along with it is one of the worst things to endure. Outside of withdrawal or the death of a loved one, that is.

When I would sleep I would only sleep for 1-2 hours at a time before waking up just to feel lost and alone. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Some days I could occupy my thoughts  with friends or my business. Then I started reading personal development books. In my moment of weakness I realized something…

It’s not that something was wrong with me or that I was unworthy of love. Nothing was wrong other than I hadn’t been living up to my potential. In my relationship I got comfortable and lazy. At 26 years old I was coasting through life and that wasn’t OK. I’d like to say I came to this conclusion by myself but actually I had help from a life coach. Through metaphors he taught me that the best way to find someone to love was not to look for love. But instead to create a life and environment that fosters love.

Easier said than done.

I didn’t really start to embrace this until a few months ago. Before that I had to learn to let go and stop being a victim. I was bitter, I was mad, I thought this woman had ruined my life. *side note* Isn’t it funny how we over exaggerate situations, like “oh she ruined my life boohoo.” I was 26 or 27 barely a quarter of my life hand been lived thus far! ANYWAY, I felt that all those years we spent together were wasted. I lead a life of scarcity, not abundance, not love. The worst part about this whole ordeal was that I was still in love with her. So as I watched her move on effortlessly it was like having a knife thrust into my heart and then twisted. I felt unimportant, how could someone move on so easily?

When we talked from time to time I pretended to be OK. Really I was putting on a show waiting for my chance to win her back. That chance never came because as I waited anxiously, she got engaged… I tried to get over her but I couldn’t, this was over a year later. Then she got into some trouble and for a while there I thought she deserved everything she was going through.  Karma had finally smiled on me. I still loved her but at the same time I HATED her! What kind of person had I become? Fortunately, I was saved for the second time in my life by a little girl named Addisyn.

The little miss.

The first time Addisyn came to live with me I wasn’t sure about being a dad. I’ve never been a huge fan of kids, never really babysat growing up, couldn’t remember if I had ever changed a diaper. But I made a commitment and I followed through. As some of you already know she wasn’t my biological daughter. Though that didn’t matter I was still a little bit embarrassed by the circumstances of it all. Plus I had a little bit of doubt in my mind, I loved the little stinker from the moment I met her but could I actually be a good dad?

I lived a lie. People would frequently tell me they thought she looked like me. I would always nod and agree knowing the truth. As I watched this little girl grow day by day I realized something. I wasn’t living up to my potential and I wasn’t setting a good example for her. I developed the urge to become much better for her. That’s one of the main reasons I joined an MLM company without having to sit and hear a presentation first. She’s the reason why I do many of the things I do to improve myself and my situation. If not for her I’d be working part-time at LOWE’S going to community college forever and blowing money at the bar or on my car.

Improvement at what cost?

Now I know it sounds good that I started to work to improve my life. However, I went a little… overboard. Instead of spending most of my free time with people that loved me, I spent my free time at coffee shops and home meetings. I didn’t even have time to go on walks or to the park. When I was home all I wanted to do was play video games and watch TV. If this sounds bad to you I promise it was worse than that. I neglected my family and took them for granted. And then I lost them…

When I got a second chance I vowed that this time would be different. I still wanted to do better but not at the expense of the relationship with my daughter. So I learned to balance being a parent and trying to escape this Rat-race. And I got damn good at it. Being a single parent was hard but creating a schedule made things manageable. I took her to the park almost every week. One thing I like about children is that they don’t want anything more than your time. So I made it a point to give her most of my free time. When she was in school, daycare or sleep that’s when I put in work. This second time around I was like a different person. I really stepped into the father role. And I loved it. Finally I was happy again, my heart was full, and I no longer felt unworthy.

Better times.

Unfortunately, Addi has gone back to live with her mom but not much has changed since then. I continue to grow and lead my life with love. I miss Addisyn everyday and sometimes I even miss her mom a tiny bit. BUT, I’m happy to say that I’m at the point where I can say “I’m OK” and mean it!

I look back on the last few years and remember where I came from. I used to think that her walking out on me was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Now I realize it’s the best thing that ever happened FOR me and I’ll be eternally grateful for the wake-up call.

If you’ve read this far thank you for allowing me to share this story with you. If you have or are currently going through your own life falling apart moment I want you to know that life gets better, no matter how bad things are. It won’t make sense now but a lot of good will come from the pain. You just have to start looking for it…

Much love,

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Comments 2

  1. Christina February 13, 2017
    • Jusstin Williams February 15, 2017

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