This is Gonna Hurt me MORE Than it Hurts You!

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Alright sidsters let’s have a chat. Ladies you can sit this one out, fellas listen up because I’m talking to y’all.

Have you heard the saying “nice guys finish last?” Of course you have. People have been saying that for as long as I can remember. When I was younger I used to believe that was my fate being a nice guy and all. I definitely wasn’t as popular with women as I am now #humblebrag. I was that guy that all my lady friends wanted to turn to for a shoulder to cry on but never as a love interest.

In my nice guy tenure I’ve “fallen” for plenty of girls that never shared the same feelings for me. When I finally managed to get a GF the first 2 girls I ever dated cheated on me. No big deal their loss. And then I fell in love! I was the nice guy that got the girl while I was still young! Life was blissful. I’d found my happily ever after…

Only it wasn’t, my third gf ever dumped me after 10 years… back to square one.

I’ve been single now for a few years. For a while I was back on the “nobody wants me, I’m a nice guy and girls only like bad boys” wagon. I was sure this was my fate. But here’s where the story turns around. Sike! Still single (haha). But one thing did change, how I treat myself. I stopped treating myself as a victim of circumstance and playing in the nice guy trap. I realized that being a nice guy and a good person were two different things entirely.

Guys the reason nice guys finish last is because they’re not as great as they THINK they are. Women know it and it’s time you figured it out. Only once we change our ways and stop being nice, do women start to notice us. So if you’re a self proclaimed nice guy failing at love, let’s turn this shit around right here, right now. Here are 5 nice guy traits that you need to lose if you want to change your love life forever!

Nice guy trait #1 holding doors open for women

Ugh… I can hear you groaning now… Yea I know holding a door open is a polite gesture. However, the issue here isn’t that you hold the door open it’s that you almost exclusively grab that door for women. It’s not your fault society used to drill chivalry into us young men. This is leftover conditioning that won’t die. As a nice guy I would grab the door if a woman was walking behind me. I dunno I guess I was trying to get brownie points by showing that I was chivalrous? Sounds ridiculous, but thinking back that could be my only motivation…

Nowadays if there’s anyone walking behind me or coming out of the door ahead of me I grab the door 95% of the time. Except for at work because that can turn into holding the damn door for 5 mins or more, real quick,  but I digress. This is something I do with no other motivation than to be polite. Listen up, if you only open doors for women you’re not being nice you’re posturing and low key being a scumbag. So hold that door for everyone or no one at all.

Nice guy trait #2 you’re an entitled little shit!

Movies and TV shows have taught us that nice guys ALWAYS get the girl they want/need in the end. Look at Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother. The man inexplicably got tons of dates with nice girls and even a few crazies over the course of the 8 season run. He was holding out for his perfect love the woman he deserved and he finally got her! Only for her to SPOILER ALERT die and him realize that he’s always been in love with Robin. Obviously this is bullshit and doesn’t happen in real life at least not like that.

As nice guys we often set our eyes on women that we can’t have. Yet, we go out of our way to be nice, do anything for them, listen to every problem, and drop everything to spend time with them. Like they’ll magically fall in love with us and realize we were always the guy they needed. In reality where does that get us? Yes, the friend zone, been there before I see…

It’s not fair is it? Here you are a great guy with his shit together yet it never fails, the girl you like doesn’t see you that way. She’d rather date jerks that ghost her and keep it casual because he’s “still figuring things out.” She should give you a chance to be the man of her dreams because she’ll never find a better guy right?

If that’s how you think, allow me to enlighten you with some wisdom a female friend blessed me with a few years back. Being nice to a woman DOES NOT mean she owes you a chance, a date, a kiss, or sex. Women don’t owe you shit and the sooner you realize it the better off you’ll be. Instead take it for what it is. She doesn’t see you as a love interest, which means you can A) move on with your life and wait for a woman that shares your feelings. Or B) be a little bitch and whine about how life isn’t fair. *Hint* in the words of Grant Cardone:

“Don’t Be a Little Bitch!”

As men the friend zone is something we’ll always have to deal with. Before I move on consider this, just as a woman doesn’t owe you anything the reverse is also true. You don’t owe women anything. You make the rules for you, so you don’t have to put up with crap you don’t want to be dealing with. There’s a difference in being a good friend and being a doormat. Don’t afford a woman “girlfriend privileges” if she considers you as only a friend. You can still wait for your chance to get called in off the bench, hell I still do it, just change how you await play time. Don’t let getting out of the friend zone be your only option and remember being just friends won’t kill you.

Nice guy trait #3  You don’t have a backbone.

Switching gears a little bit. Say you’re that guy that has no trouble attracting women. Do the women you attract end up making you wish you never met them? This happens a lot to guys that date girls based on only one or two things they know about a girl (usually it’s looks TBH). These men find out sooner or later that the woman they are with sucks at being a human being. To make matters worse often we know that early on but choose to ignore the signs and gloss over the negatives.

Have you ever found yourself justifying a past or current girlfriend’s behavior? Was she unreasonable mean to wait staff, is she testy with kids, does she badmouth people all the time, are her friendships with men bordering on inappropriate? A lot of times our friends try to warn us, they see the relationship without the rose colored glasses. Yet we refuse to believe them when they try to tell us that that girl is no good for us. No, we have to find out the hard way.

Another friend of mine used to say “who we choose to love says a lot about what we think of ourselves.” Sometimes when we are desperate for love and affection, we’ll accept it from anyone. Further he would say that “we accept the type of love we THINK we deserve.” Which is totally true, there are many of us out there that have stayed in relationships with women who cheat on us or otherwise use and abuse us.

We justify sticking around because we tell ourselves that that is out of the ordinary. “That’s not in her character” we say. But this IS her character, when a woman shows you who she is believe her the first time… Now if you want to attract better mates you’re going to need to level up your standards and grow a backbone. If you’re not being treated the way you desire to be treated or better than that, don’t be afraid to walk away. Take a stand for yourself because nobody is going to care about you like you do.

Nice guy trait #4 you’re not appealing

I’m not talking sex appeal or physical appearance, every person is attractive to the right person. And every person is unattractive to the wrong person. I’m talking about appeal as a mate, a life partner. What sets you apart from other guys? Please don’t say because you’re actually a nice guy. By now, I hope you’re ready to drop that moniker and realize that that title is causing more harm than good. Anyway, are you handy, brainy, stable; do you care about your health or appearance? Or do you believe “love is all you need?”

I talked about this in my last blog but I used to be that guy. I thought no matter what happened if I loved a girl enough we could weather any storm, I was wrong. Through that experience I learned that there is more to a relationship than looks or even love. On the most primitive level realize that subconsciously most women are looking for the best possible mate to raise kids with. I speak for straight women as I’m not sure how those desires work on the other side of the aisle.

Start thinking about what makes you special, why would a woman want to be with you above all other options. You don’t have to be perfect, in fact stay away from women looking for a perfect mate. Still at the same time if you’re a sinking ship don’t expect any woman let alone a good woman to jump in and start pitching water. Get your shit in order first. And no that doesn’t mean you need a great job, house, car, etc… It means don’t be borderline homeless. You need to have a future that you’re at least working towards no matter how far away it is.

Nice guy trait #5 You hedge on your personality

The worst thing you can do is limit or alter yourself based off of what other people think is the “right” way. I know I’ve been harping on the nice guy this whole time but what I’m getting at is this. Are you being authentic? Or are you being nice because you think you should be. Are you being a jerk because that’s what women like? You can’t pose as something you’re not and expect it to end well. At some point your potential mate will have to get to know the real you, so start there.

Don’t be afraid to take a risk and hold out for the love you want. Also don’t be afraid to admit you don’t know what you want at this point. Being single isn’t bad thing. You don’t have to date for the sake of dating or because your friends/family say you need to put yourself out there. When the timing is right for you you’ll meet someone that will make all others pale in comparison.

Until then, say goodbye to the nice guy title and get busy becoming your best possible self. You’ll be grateful for this opportunity later.

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